The Questions That Set You Apart
How questions can strengthen trust, build relationships and unlock insights
Most of us focus on what we say in a conversation: the explanation, the argument, the answer we've prepared. That matters, but it's rarely what people remember afterward. What actually sets conversations apart are the questions we ask. We are referring more specifically to the questions that make someone stop and say, "That's a really good question!" They make someone look to the ceiling or to the back of their brain to search for an answer. They build trust by showing the care and attention we brought into the room. And these types of questions create a mutual exchange of value because each person learns something.
Here are five question types worth knowing, whether you're talking with a colleague in Oslo, a friend in Nairobi, a client in São Paulo or family in Singapore.
1. Connection Questions put people at ease
Every good conversation opens with a moment that helps the other person feel comfortable. The instinct is to reach for something automatic like "How are you?", but in most parts of the world, that's a throwaway greeting rather than a real question. A better move: notice something specific about the person or the situation, or share a small detail about yourself first. People decide that they trust you before they decide what they think of your idea, and connection questions are where that decision starts.
2. Clarification Questions show you're actually listening
This is the simplest type of question, and maybe the most underused. Take a few words the other person just said and ask them to say more. "You mentioned ___. Tell me more about that." Or "When you say ___, what does that mean?" The first answer is usually not the best one. "Say more" is one of the most powerful two-word tools in any language.
3. Excavation Questions dig. Spend wisely.
Excavation questions gather information you can't find on the internet or by using other research tools. They are highly useful, but worth treating like a bank account. Every excavation question makes a small withdrawal from trust, because you're taking rather than giving. Over-rely on them, and a conversation starts to feel like an interrogation. Be deliberate, do your homework first and don't spend more of this currency than is needed.
4. Exploration Questions shift how someone sees things
Exploration questions are like Shakespeare’s Tempest: rich and strange (in the best way!). Instead of just telling someone what you see, an exploration question shifts their perspective so they see it themselves. Try:
Someone else's point of view: "What would your team say about this?"
The past, reimagined: "If you'd tried this two years ago, what would be different today?"
The future, invented: "Two years from now, what skills will you have acquired to be successful?"
Build one by taking a plain excavation question and layering a perspective shift on top. "What do you think of this approach?" becomes "In one year from now, what possibilities will this approach have created?"
5. Action Questions make the next step small
What feels obvious to us is rarely obvious to someone living with an occasional problem. Action questions help someone see an easy next step. Make it small and time-bound. For example, "What's one thing you could try this week?" Name the cost of waiting, or lay out the full sequence so it feels less daunting. The guiding rule: when something feels big and scary, make it small.
One thing to try this week
Pick one upcoming conversation with a colleague, a friend, a partner, anyone. Prepare a single exploration question, preferably one you have never asked before. Notice what it opens in your relationship.
For anyone working or connecting across borders and time zones, none of this is a script to run identically everywhere. The five types of questions travel well. What's local is:
how much small talk feels right
how directly to ask
how much eye contact to hold
All of these are worth a moment's thought before every conversation, not just the first one.
Interested in becoming masterful at posing the right questions? Learn more about our Trust Advantage Leadership Cohort.